The Disappointment Cuts Like a Knife

"HammerheadFistpunch" (hammerheadfistpunch) 06/12/2015 at 18:10 • Filed to: Humor, Jeep

5

11

Poor Carl, he just wants go off roading in his new Jeep with his family.

Context. The Jeep Patriot was Jeeps initial attempt at the small offroader that could actually go off road and with the Freedom Drive II package it was and is pretty similar to the Renegade in terms of crawl ratio, clearance and traction. History will show that people who bought a patriot, even toughened up FDII models aren’t seen as the same kinds of people that buy wranglers for example but nevermind that, Carl’s got the family in the Jeep and its go time!

We join Carl and his family as he takes his new Jeep out to the OHV park to introducet them to the wonderful world of offroading he’s just enrolled in; Sweeping vistas, remote destinations, crisp mountain air! Its all in your hands now Carl. Now, I have a small family and I can tell you that, with a few exceptions, the dad is WAY more into this idea than the the rest of this family...

“But if I could just show them...they’d understand!”

Sadly it all comes crashing down for Carl about a minute in when on two wheels on a steep hill clawing for grip in his I4 Freedom machine...nothing. This isn’t what it was supposed to be like?!

“Carl...You’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m not...”

A sad and dejected Carl confirms. No Carl, you’re not.

not for canada - australian in disguise > HammerheadFistpunch 06/12/2015 at 18:14

0

Goddamnit Carl.

$kaycog > HammerheadFistpunch 06/12/2015 at 18:23

1

Poor Carl.

HammerheadFistpunch > $kaycog 06/12/2015 at 18:31

2

He didn’t deserve this...i mean he did, but still.

$kaycog > HammerheadFistpunch 06/12/2015 at 18:34

0

I know what you mean.

Funktheduck > HammerheadFistpunch 06/12/2015 at 18:51

4

7:07 > $kaycog 06/12/2015 at 19:09

1

POOR CARL

blacktruck18 > HammerheadFistpunch 06/12/2015 at 19:11

1

At first I thought to myself “Carl, this isn’t going to work you bought a Jeep Patriot.” Then after I watched the video of it not working, I said to myself, “Self, maybe you are doubting Carl and this could have worked. Maybe you are thinking of the wrong Jeep.” So, I did a google image search for “Jeep Patriot.”

I was thinking of the right vehicle.

Carl, I’m sorry but, you brought this disappointment on yourself and your whole family when you pulled out of the Jeep dealership in a Patriot.

I want to feel for your disappointment, and the disappointment in your wife’s voice when she said “Carl...You’re not going anywhere.” In her tone I heard “Carl...You’re not going anywhere, and, starting at lunch on Monday I will be banging Brad from accounting in the parking garage at work at least twice a week.”

I am sorry Carl, I am sorry I can’t feel bad for you, I am sorry I can’t share your disappointment. I can’t share your pain because, I don’t understand how you fell for the marketing and bought a fake Jeep.

Luc - The Acadian Oppo > Funktheduck 06/12/2015 at 19:38

0

These are the funniest! it’s a shame I can only give one star.

and 100 more > HammerheadFistpunch 10/15/2015 at 17:44

0

The 4wd versions of the Jeep Patriot/Compass have a particular flaw where, when going uphill on loose soil, the 4wd system activates the Brake Lock Differentials to such an extent that the engine cannot overcome the brakes. The engine is usually powerful enough to drive the vehicle up a decent incline, but not with the added resistance of all four brakes being engaged at once, trying to limit wheel slip.

Some folks have found a work-around that sometimes helps (depending on the situation, of course); removing the fuse for the ABS system disables the BLDs, yet the 4WD system still splits torque evenly front-to-rear.

The new Cherokee, despite having a more advanced 4wd programming, also seems to suffer from this, though with more powerful engine options it’s not as much of an issue. Not sure if the Renegade suffers the same fate.

HammerheadFistpunch > and 100 more 10/15/2015 at 17:52

1

Exactly this. This is one of the few times where the limits of brake based traction control doesn’t work. Because you aren’t biasing torque across the diff like a locker its a function of how much torque you can produce at a given rpm /4 and if its not enough...you don’t move. Most 4x4 have engines that produce sufficient torque at low rpm to overcome this. Its not a function of all 4 wheels braking , its just a function of the fact that 100 lbs-ft/4 (as an example) means that 2 wheels are getting 25 lbs-ft which is being countered by 25 lbs-ft of brakes and the other two wheels are only getting 25 lbs-ft each which isn’t enough for forward motion. 50 lbs-ft to the ground and 50 lbs-ft being wasted at the brakes. With a locked diff you can bias the torque 100% so that even with the same 2 wheels in the air and the same 100 lbs-ft you are able to apply all 100 lbs-ft to the ground via the 2 good wheels.

and 100 more > HammerheadFistpunch 10/15/2015 at 18:07

0

A guy on a forum I go to bought an extra rear diff, and has been looking for someone to make a mechanical locker for it, but there haven’t been any takers.

This same gentleman has also been in talks with Road Race Motorsport about adapting a piggyback ECU from their Mistubishi Lancer kit. So far, it’s not working out, but if it does, this would be the first real solution toward fixing the other major failing of the Patriot - an ECU that’s locked down like Fort Knox, and does not have the ability to be tuned.

On top of that, the Patriot being limited by the CV joints to about 2” of suspension lift is a real hindrance toward offroading.

There is so little aftermarket for the Patriot/Compass, which is such a shame. I think the Patriot could be a decent “minimum overland” platform to build upon, if not for the few major flaws it has.